So as most of you know, this has not been the easiest year for me. It is almost the one year mark that I returned from Brazil. I thought it would take a few months to re-acclimate to life. I imagined only living in Heart’s Home for two months and in that time finding my dream job (recall me stating that I would do anything, but be a nanny. 10 months later….). Of course encounters came, but nothing stuck. I often had the sense that I was trying to dig my nails in concrete. After six months, I became bitter. Didn’t God say that if I left everything and followed Him, that He would take care of me? In classic Erica fashion, I gave up on Him and doubted His existence. I was angry, ready to throw in the towel on New York and move home. Until one day, I realized that He owes me nothing and I owe Him everything. My perspective changed. The only thing that He promised was salvation and all the rest were my own projections and expectations. There it was that I tried to give up control, while at the same time recognizing that I needed to work for what I wanted with a commitment to live in reality. I would take what I was offered, do my part and be patient.
SLOWLY, STEADILY, PATIENTLY
(my favorite words by Etty Hillesum) became my motto.
I spent hours job searching, while mindfully staying present in my current job as a nanny. I quit trying to figure out a housing situation and be happy with the roof over my head. And lastly, I took steps to delve into the discovery of why I constantly found myself dating the wrong type of men.
Then a friend texted me asking if I wanted to rent this incredible apartment with her (we’re talking washer, dryer, dishwasher, two baths, huge kitchen, perfect location). I said no, I needed a job first. A few weeks later it hit me that I was once again trying to control the order of what I thought should happen. Voila, just like that, I had myself an amazing living situation.
Next, I was panicking because one of the babies is leaving at the end of the month and I hadn’t yet any job possibilities. I was prematurely stressed about how I would pay rent and furnish the space. However, I decided to go to Long Island with some friends for the weekend to get away and breath. I met this man. In the beginning I overlooked him (I was sure he was into my friend), although this picture may prove something different. I had NO idea they were even taking a picture at this point and was in la-la land with this charming fellow:
First I got the apartment, then I got this good and holy man (and might I say handsome!!) that wanted to date me. I wish I could say that I was like Ms. Edris (from this post here) and could have said at first sight, “oh here you are. I knew you would come,” but I was still working on that trust that God would actually provide what I wanted. It took me a week to recognize that he was the one I had been waiting for.
The next week, in a matter of three days, I had two interviews and was offered a position at a charter school that is a 15 minute commute from my new apartment. They offered a great salary and wonderful benefits (+three weeks vacation!!). This happened to be the feast day of Saint Thomas–you know the infamous doubter who needed to touch Christ’s wounds to believe. And there Christ was whispering in my ear,
“oh Erica, ye of little faith.” I swear I could see Him with this cheeky little smile, so joyful to reveal these plans that He has been working on.
A friend reminded me that it was a “trinitarian blessing.” Three important things all in a month’s time. I wonder if that has something to do with my love for triangles– a symbol to reflect this perfect love–Father, Son and Holy Spirit. (Remember the three times I was asked out in one day when I doubted last time??)
I share this story with you as a reminder (probably for myself more than you) that God loves His children and will orchestrate our lives if we allow Him. And as this holy man, whom I can now call my boyfriend, says to me on a daily basis:
(from this tumblr. that I love)
I can’t seem to wipe this damn smile off my face, but I’ll take the easy joyfulness while it last. I’m no stranger to suffering so it will surely return soon enough to push me to change, to grow, to learn. But for now, this is what I’m being offered and so I won’t complain.
With all my prayers for you. xxoo